Winter has called me deeply into the bosom of her stillness.
I began to feel her calling in Autumn last year after a particularly surprising and difficult time, navigating my way clumsily around some core wounds and unhealed tenderness. I would say that it wasn't a conscious decision initially go go inwards, more of a deep pull I followed, knowing and trusting that somehow this call was here to bring healing. I surrendered - I let go with a willingness to enter into those darker corners of my psyche and see what they held for me.
I'm still in part in that cave, allowing the flesh to fall from the previous form, to decompose back into the earth leaving only the bones of who I am and what I do. In allowing that, there is a sense that these bones, this skeletal form that's left is making ready to dance in new ways, and that feels exciting. It required trust, patience and faith. I made space for that trinity to take me wherever I needed to go.
Are you allowing yourself that time and space?
So many of us drive through these moments using the mind, pushing ourselves out of our true feelings, minimising them or telling ourselves they are 'silly' or a 'waste of time' - what even is that idea of 'wasting time' and where does it come from when it comes to self enquiry?
If I were to track this journey, I would see it as a mythical fairy tale where I am the heroine of my own story. I have left but a trail of crumbs leading me back home should I need to find my path once more, but somehow I also know that this trail isn't really necessary, and so like Persephone in her winter Underworld, instead I simply let go, accept and dive into the darkness, the unformed and the unknown, trusting that this act of surrender holds the true key to home coming....and it does.
In this DreamTime, my work is evolving into a much clearer message, into a deep knowing of how it is I can really be of service, not striving for the next luminous thing. The eclectic magpie-like appeal to the sparkle of newness has always been an issue for me, just like my father before me; uncomfortable in one place doing one thing well, I selected many, for variety and a sense of aliveness, afraid that not doing so was like a death of sorts, a painful lethargy...but in entering stillness, that's where I have found my true sense of aliveness and I love it.
I am going to be 58 in a month's time, just 2 years away from 60! I find this hard to believe sometimes as inside I feel so young. Ageing has offered me an opportunity to take a deep journey into self acceptance and it's not always been a pretty process. Gnarly, crass and petulant at times, it's been tricky. Older readers will recognise this, younger ones will not as this is an inevitability only of being that, being older, and not just imagining it.
I'm claiming my wisdom as an elder hence announcing my age now. I'm ready to be of service in this world and to make use of these life experiences which have been deep, rich and painful as much as they have been joyful, ecstatic and light. My dear friend Fran said when guesting on my 8 week course last night "I have come to accept that life is as painful as it is joyful" and I agree, but in resting besides those pains and allowing them, somehow we learn to befriend them. Even in one of my favourite series 'Vikings' last night Lagertha, one of the major (and now older) characters throughout was asked:
"What did you learn in your near death experience?"
She replied: "That life is suffering."
Her enquirer said: "How do I tell my children that life is suffering?"
Her reply: "Oh they will find out for themselves."
Although at first this seems perhaps a negative or pessimistic response, there is truth in this darkness. It stuck me that it's our ability to know that, feel that and develop a strong relationship to that which truly heals us. We take ourselves out of Victim and into Witness, we befriend death as much as we befriend life in all of her aspects, and the only way to get there is to surrender into it all, feel it all, and know that we are enough, that we always were and always will be.
It's my pleasure to offer my wisdoms out into the world and I love to connect and do this dance of life in the company of other seekers and dreamers. To discover more about my work, please go to my what's on page and join me in dancing with life in the only way I know, the embodied truthful way.
CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
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