Many of you know that I'm just back from about 2 1/2 months of travelling and adventure. Prior to leaving the UK, my youngest child left home and I spent some time feeling into these new spaces in myself, and in my life. Then, BOOM! suddenly it was done...my 'grieving' felt as though it had moved through me and a sense of freedom began to grow. Was that it, I thought? How present you have been to this Steph, I thought. No! I had simply made space for more 'stuff' to reveal itself.
Today, bumping into some dear friends and laughing about life, we pondered "is there always more stuff"? YES! We decided there is, and this, in essence is the nature of being human, staying authentic and allowing oneself to:
A) Be vulnerable
B) Be present to all that arises
C) Not act like an arrogant sod!
But this is not the same as getting stuck there, taking root, becoming comfortable in that space of habit. It's more that as we increase our awareness and bring it to presence, we have the chance to rub off the sharper edges, soften the rough surfaces, and our core wounds and sufferings become easier to navigate and lighter each time they surface.
Es Vedra, Ibizan rock of magic and mystery. How you tested me Ibiza! I won't go into story here, save to say that every part of me was forced to really feel, and I mean really feel my weak spots, my sore points and my deepest insecurities. It probably came on the back of the three weeks I had just completed in Mallorca with my dear friend Fran. We were hosting two back to back detox retreats, and detoxing does that, it brings E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G to the surface! Physical, mental and emotional...all there served up on this enormous platter called LIFE!
We were also both calling into question much of what we have learnt or believe in as detox and nutritional coaches and healers. What if everything we know is wrong? Always a great question to ask....
I was posing this question to myself this whilst also reading Dr Joe Dispenza's amazingly inspiring book "Becoming Supernatural" - it was having an effect - I was questioning my habitual behaviour, beliefs and thoughts, and consciously working to change them. I was experimenting with myself if you like.
All of this felt something like vigorously shaking up the sand in the bottom of a lake, and combined with the trauma release training we were doing as part of our graduating student's Alchemy of Breath Breathwork training, stuff was most definitely moving and I did not feel comfortable one bit! How can I push this down, pretend it's not there, make it smaller, I asked myself? 'Can I fake it until through the other side' I asked myself, but I couldn't, and if I tried, the energy leaked out in other ways anyway and just made everything worse. So surrendering to what needed to be felt and released, I practiced what I preach and just allowed myself to be raw as f**k, wide open and lost.
When lost, before long, one finds oneself....
And so, passing through the eye of the storm I came home, still open, raw and vulnerable, to begin the integration process, a part of the journey so many people skip, and possibly the most vital element of self mastery.
Every night since I got home, I have dreamt of my time in Ibiza; every single night until a couple of days ago! This tells me my sub-conscious mind is processing deeply, and I'm grateful for the autumnal darkness and hibernation possibility of this season. I can go within and 'take stock'. It's not just been about letting go of my son, my previous life, or my sense of 'self' (ego), it's been about being willing to face my deepest fears and let go of EVERYTHING. Then, and only then, can we walk through the fire and see what's left in the ashes.
My work is evolving most clearly as a result. My diet is changing, my path is revealing itself and my self awareness has come full circle into self acceptance, an acceptance that meets me exactly as I am. I wish that we would all give ourselves this gift of both vulnerability AND integration. I wish that we may all find the courage to be less than perfect; the world would be a better place for sure in doing so, and in being so.
I have already begun the task of re-writing my website, re-structuring my work and I know that more will evolve over winter. I welcome you all to these quiet months; go within and seek solitude and stillness. Grow yourself and most importantly, question everything to you think you know! It's a very humbling process!
CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
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